Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
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[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!