Feel. He’s so soft.
You Might Also Like
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.