“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
You Might Also Like
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.