INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
You Might Also Like
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal