Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Raisins are grape jerky.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping