Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
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Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go