Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
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[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.