It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
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Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.