I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
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It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?