Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
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Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Yup
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
peeping toms
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
This might be the funniest tweet ever
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Sing it!
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.