*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
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At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!