Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
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Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
what’s the point then??
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.