Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
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Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.