Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
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When did white people become such fucking pussies?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
There’s never enough good news
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.