ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
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me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
$4 #usedbooks
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*