If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
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Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*