Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
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SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow