ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
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My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
why am I working on Labor Day
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.