The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.