You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
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My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Science memes
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!