I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
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No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??