My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
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[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro