Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
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My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.