I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD