lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
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I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
My birthstone is kidney
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Who did it better?
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.