Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
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Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*