Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
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[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Help Wanted
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it