Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.