The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
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[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I didn’t realize that was an option
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
The devil.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….