Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
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5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
August 8
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
The three genders.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.