The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
You Might Also Like
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
absolute chaos
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
I finally found a reason to live again.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Love this guy
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send