Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
This is the best one I’ve seen
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
FINE, I WON’T.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one