Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
You Might Also Like
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Have kids, they said
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.