People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
You Might Also Like
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
much to think about
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Cannot stop laughing at this
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic