You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
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I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Liquor Store Parking
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.