I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I need better friends
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
the noise i just made
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?