My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
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I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.