Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
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#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Love it! 👍😂
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane