*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
You Might Also Like
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.