Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
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My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.