If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
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If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
If looks could kill
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Godzilla was the first house flipper.