Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
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How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.