GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
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If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.