You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
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I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.