“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
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I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.