No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
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5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
🤣
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.