*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button