me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
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Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
#Caturday
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!