Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
You Might Also Like
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.