Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
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My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Jurassic park gets weird
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
when mom throws a party…
Said the murderer.